I'm so brain-dead today, I'm weirdly clumsy rn and while grabbing coffee for my boyfriend I kept making wrong turns, basically going on every different auto-pilot except for the one for the coffee shop we frequent. Great sign.
I'm so brain-dead today, I'm weirdly clumsy rn and while grabbing coffee for my boyfriend I kept making wrong turns, basically going on every different auto-pilot except for the one for the coffee shop we frequent. Great sign.
That final hour of work last night was such a drag, I hope hire ups reverse the change because all it did was cause labor to skyrocket, at the very least I hope they change it back once summer is over.
My brain keeps thinking it's Friday because I haven't worked on a Thursday in a hot minute. I'm honestly kinda happy to be working Thursdays again, I barely ever do anything on Thursdays usually and it ends with my mind spiralling most of the time, I need to keep my brain busy.
It is my kinda luck for the annoying co-worker that made me hate Thursdays starts working Thursdays again the same exact time as me.
Tbf he isn't the WORST co-worker of mine, he's just really fucking annoying.
Dread today, my work is now closing an hour later starting today, it's just gonna be like an extra hour of absolutely nothing maybe minus one singular person who always comes after we close because checking our hours is that hard ig.
Very minor change that's gonna be a bitch to adjust to, it's just gonna result in more labor, they're just gonna lose money from this I know it.
The DnD campeign I've been doing has come back and we had an excellent session yesterday, but it also left me exhausted and resulted me in sleeping a whole 9 and a half hours. For reference I usually sleep about 6 hours on average and maybe 8 on a good day. I feel slightly disorientated.
Luckily since my boyfriend's iced mocha is expiring soon he's given me the go-ahead to have the rest, I'm gonna be soooo caffinated today. Dopamine my beloved.
I think I've genuinely developed a phobia of bad or extreme weather. I already had a mild fear of thunderstorms but now with where I live thunderstorms actually mean something. I had a complete panic attack because of a severe thunderstorm warning, I found myself hiding in the bathroom and just hearing the violent wind and the loud thunder. Of course it had to happen when I was home alone.
I half assed closing tonight because I didn't wanna take any risk of getting caught in a storm on my way home, even if the storm ended up coming in later, I didn't know that and I didn't wanna risk it. If they're upset with me then oh well. I value my life more than this job.
I'm also too much of a shitty driver to make the risk.
My boyfriend and I got Little Caesars, today is good.
Something I've always constantly psychoanalyze about myself is my extremely minimal ability to feel second-hand embarrassment.
I've had so many moments where I've had someone go "oh my god I'm getting really bad second-hand embarrassment from this" and I'll just be confused, especially if it's just a nerdy kid being a nerdy kid.
I've read some psychological reports saying that second-hand embarrassment is a form of empathy and I've never had any empathy complications. Since it's so frequently linked to children and teens maybe it has something to do with my upbringing of being homeschooled?
My assumption was that second-hand embarrassment was the world's most mild 'trauma' response, like say you were bullied for being a nerd as a kid and lacking self awareness, and once you grow up and you see a child act like how you did prior to your bullying you get second-hand embarrassment.
And though I still did get bullied as a child, a little bit during my brief time in public school and mostly on the internet, most times I got bullied for anything that could lead to second-hand embarrassment I shrugged it off as random assholes being miserable on the internet, it still hurt like shit but it didn't affect me in that specific way.
Just something I think about a lot.
I have not been doing mentally well today, the smallest things have been making me overstimulated and uncomfortable, been having a lot of repetitive intrusive thoughts that wouldn't fuck off, feeling extremely paranoid. Call me Helmut Fullbear because I'm about to scream at the world to shut up.
Something I find interesting that I think about every now and again is that due to the nature of people being individuals and being extremely diverse and different from one another, there's sometimes traits that, not inherently bad, will mean two people simply will never get along with each other.
Like I don't think there's something inherently wrong with the stereotypical trendy girl who puts a lot of time into her social media presence but odds are I'll never be able to get along with that person because our personalities are likely to simply just not mix.
Sometimes it makes sense, with clashing polar opposite traits and all, but sometimes two people with the same exact trait won't get along because of that, like two stubborn people.
Human's are so interesting man, even if it makes me sound like an alien when talking about it sometimes.
You know when you have a nightmare that sounds very not scary afterwards but in the moment it's very distressing?
So I had a nightmare where some sort of neurologist removed my brain, kept showing all the parts that were 'wrong' (my brain was also covered in mold), and refused to put my brain back into my head.
Today also sucked ass, the managers at work had no choice but to put me in a role that I've only barely been trained in and it sucked so much. I also have a strong intense feeling that something is gonna go very wrong that I can't shake.
I'm trying to write a top 10 favorite games list but every mini review I write feels so forced and like they aren't my words, it's extremely frustrating. I feel like I'm talking like a review YouTuber, not like me. I don't know why. Idk how to naturally talk about these games without spoiling everything or being all over the place I guess.
Words in general aren't coming out right actually, even just talking feels like I'm running off of a script, maybe because I'm so overstimulated from work, guess I have no choice but to rest, I wish I wasn't resting so much though.
I had to go out and buy some food, I need to get my acid reflux to calm the fuck down. It's caused this constant cough that won't go away because of the acid constantly going up my throat.
I've been so fuckin stressed at of late so I decided to treat myself to a coffee. A place near me started doing lavender honey lattes which sounded amazing and it is.
The smallest things have been ticking me off lately, I wish I could take a week off work without risking anything. I just want rest.
I haven't been in a good mood, people are driving me crazy.
I'm not even gonna bother talking about it, I'm tired of people putting word's in my mouth that aren't there, so I'm just not gonna speak.
Back to normal sorta, work has been constantly sending me on these anger spirals, frustrations on peoples' behaviors and treating a work enviroment like a stereotypical cliquey high school setting. Mockery feels so pointless, I don't understand. It just makes me feel more alien than I already do constantly.
guh, work was so overstimulating today, I hate when I get put on the role that just ends with me changing where I am every 5 minutes, why can't I just stay in the same spot like every other shift? At least I got to leave early and rest. My brain still itches though.
Pretending to be normal is exhausting, especially when put in a situation that drains you even more.
Put in my opting out email of Discord's "teehee no suing!" thing last minute. Even just to send a message to Discord to not be shitty, I don't think a company that keeps finding itself in cases of pedophiles using the platform should be allowed this kinda power.
I finally made the coping skills page I've been wanting to make for awhile. Mental health and neurodivergency acceptance is something that's extremely important to me. I hope I can help anyone or inform anyone I can.
My work is doing a little thing for mental health awareness month and I can't help but instinctively be cynical whenever a big company does a stunt like this (hope this doesn't give away where I work lol)
I just can't help but go "they don't reaaally give a shit, they're just doing this just to try to convince people of how nice they are."
Plus I doubt many of my co-workers give a shit, if any stories I've told on here have said anything.
At least I got a green bracelet to show my support of mental health awareness.
Anyways happy Mother's day!! I sadly can't spend time with my own Mother as I'm halfway across the country, I will be seeing her in August.
Also if you're uncomfortable this day because your Mom is a bitch, I may not be able to be your internet Mom as I'm not capable of such vibes I can be your digital estranged mentally ill aunt who lets you rant to her and talks shit with you. :)
I'm giving this website a BIG aesthetic update, so some pages may look off or inconsistent for a little bit, but it'll be so worth it!!! I'm very very excited.
I had a very strange brain glitch today.
So I went to grab my work shoes but for some reason they just, didn't look like my shoes. It was to the point that I genuinely thought they must've been a pair of my roommate's shoes and that my roommate's dog hid my shoes (he's done that before).
But after looking around I couldn't find them, so I went back to them and noticed a little smudge that I knew for a fact was on my work shoes, and just to confirm I checked my order history and yup that's what the shoes look like.
It was weird as fuck, like my brain decided to just delete my memory of what those shoes looked like for no reason. I still feel a bit disorientated.
Aaaaa the FOMO got to me and I bought tickets to Ghost's cinema thing, it wasn't that much but I still feel gross for caving, resisting the urge to refund the tickets because aaaa I'm supposed to be saving money.
A BRAND NEW BACKGROUND IS HERE, it's pretty similar but I really really wanted to make it pink.
Severe weather warning for today, high risk for severe thunderstorms, hail, AND tornados. Doesn't help I have a strong fear of intense weather in general, not looking forward to it.
Rent is gonna rapidly increase soon so I've had to take up more hours, I'm gonna have to be even more strict with my money now, fun fun fun. I'm gonna start bugging my workplace about that raise they want to give me but keep not training me for. I'd like that pay increase pretty please.
Really really dreading work today, the previous one was, not good. I feel extremely restless and physically cannot sit still. I just have to keep telling myself that it's gonna be a short shift and it'll all be fine. Doesn't make me wanna scream and explode any less though.
It feels like my body is filled with electricity and not enough electricity in my brain. I need to inject dopamine directly into my brain and make myself normal.
Went out to the mall with my boyfriend today, got some super cute hairclips, absolutely obsessed with this star shaped one.
Dungeon Meshi has genuinely motivated me to eat better and take care of myself fr, thank you Senshi.
I can't shake this gut feeling that today at work is gonna suck, this is a shift I picked up to get more hours so idk, we'll see.
I uh, I feel like I blacked out and suddenly read the entirety of Dungeon Meshi. It's been awhile since something has hooked me that much, can't wait for the rest of the anime.
Sadly my boyfriend is sick right now :(, because of that I had to go to the groceries alone. But I ended up also getting myself a little treat with sushi, it was just a pretty plain salmon roll but I haven't had sushi in so long it was nice to have.
My roommate's dog has started doing this thing where once i get home and take off my work shoes he picked them up and just, takes them somewhere. usually he just moves them next o the couch and sits with them, sometimes he takes them to my roommate's room. He doesn't destroy them or even lightly chew on them, he just picks them up and puts them down somewhere else.
I finally started watching the Dungeon Meshi anime, I'm really loving it, it has been awhile where I've been able to sit down and watch an anime without getting distracted after 1 episodes, very entertaining and good.
Laios is my favorite btw.
Went out to get breakfast with my boyfriend and it went amazing! The food was fantastic!!
I keep feeling like hell everytime I wake up lately, my eyes feel so dry and my head hurts.
I was gonna go out for breakfast with my boyfriend this morning but I got asked to take a shift today after texting my manager about being constantly underscheduled, I desperately need the hours because I wanna save money to be able to visit my family on Christmas and also because my rent is gonna double soon.
I'm in a weirdly good mood after work today, even after my plans for Monday kinda got fucked because the weather is ass. I wish I could work mornings but not have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn, today felt nice.
My scheduling was completely fucked up and now I have 3 days off in a row that I shouldn't have, originally I was gonna correct this but with how fucking tired I am, I definitely need this, I'll just need to be a lot more strict with my money.
I feel so physically uncomfortable rn like why does my body just feel weird?? It feels like I'm a statue that just suddenly gained ability of movement but only kinda.
I'm feeling a lot better now but I was violently sick yesterday.
I couldn't digest anything without vomitting, including water.
Now I feel completely functional, except I'm physically unable to speak. Since I only have a 4 hour shift today I might honestly still go to work tonight, not like I can physically call in anyways.
Honestly with how fast I recovered I wouldn't be shocked if I didn't have a stomach bug at all and I just took wayyy to much of the cough spray and cough drops, wouldn't be the first time.
On the bright side, necklaces my boyfriend and I ordered arrived yesterday and they look fantastic!
Of course, the day I'm looking forward to I end up getting sick. I'm more annoyed by the fact that in every other way I feel fine, it's literally just my throat that's the problem, it's sore to the point I can't talk.
I felt it coming on while at work yesterday and I was tempted to ask my manager if I could go home early, but being realistic, we both had our boss coming in the next day and the only other closer there is uh, not the best at his job, so I just figured there was no point in hoping.
Honest to god, after doordashing soem cough relief stuff I'm tempted to doordash the stuff I need to make onigiri, I don't want sickness that is most indeed stress induced because of work ruin my day.
SORE THROAT BE DAMNED I STILL MADE ONIGIRI
I made a couple but this was easily the best looking one, I'm super proud of myself considering this was also my first time cooking rice as well, I filled mine with imitation crab meat, will definitely do this more times in the future, good motivator to eat more healthy.
I didn't get to post about it last night since I passed out the moment I got home but the concert was fantastic!!
The specific band I went to see was Wind Rose, a power metal band themed around fictional dwarves, yes it's as amazing as it sounds. My boyfriend's a massive fan so seeing his eyes light up was the highlight of my night.
My favorite part was when the lead guitarist said "Our next song... is about elves"
The crowd: "BOOOOOOOOO"
Wind Rose: "AND HOW MUCH WE WANNA KILL THEM"
The crowd: "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
On Monday I'm thinking on grabbing some rice and some other stuff to learn how to cook rice and make onigiri. I wanna motivate myself to learn how to cook/make my own food, and I think something like this would be good. Plus I need more ways to prevent the urge to get fast food.
So I fucked up and now their's a gashing wound in my bank account of 350 dollars because I misunderstood something regarding my bank, let's hope to god that it can be reversed, I don't need even more stress.
Well on the bright side I managed to go on a walk today, which definitely made me feel a little better.
I'm going to a concert tomorrow and naturally there's a severe weather warning for where I'm going (I have a really bad fear of thunderstorms and turbulent weather), the universe hates me.
The further into adulthood I go the more I'm convinced that no one understands anything and everyone is just pretending that things make sense to them in order to appear like the societal ideal of what an adult is. Like we're all secretly playing this game of pretend and mock anyone who breaks character. Stupid ass play if you ask me.
This game of pretend is making it hard to stay motivated.
I'm starting to have stress triggered body pains again, I've also felt like ass and irritated all day, tomorrow's gonna be another rest day it seems.
Sometimes I can't help but feel like many 'adulting' things are made confusing on purpose, I might just be stupid or uninformed but it feels like stuff relating to banks could be a lot more simple than they are.
Kinda related but it's absolutely baffling to me that there's more effort put into optimization for social media apps as opposed to like banking or FCU apps. Or any money app really, most of them are so janky. I want more optimization focus on apps that you constantly use in your daily life.
Or I should finally push against my social anxiety and go to my bank instead of trying to navigate the kinda shitty app.
Even just the idea of leaving the house today makes me feel overstimulated, I actively want to leave my apartment, but when I, say, think about visiting the mall I can already feel the physical pain experienced by how overstimulating that enviroment can be. I know it's because last time I went was on a weekend and thus when it's most populated, but god I just wanna be able to exist normally.
I wanna force myself out, but I also know I'll probably regret it. I also don't wanna drive, I wish walking places was more viable.
I mean, I guess I could walk to the mall, but idk.
My boyfriend got a bunch of pizza today so naturally today's a good day, even if it was extremely slow at work today.
I thought I was extremely underscheduled this work week completely forgetting I have a concert coming up, oopsies. Excited about that though!
My TMJ is acting up in the first time in awhile, so minimal talking today, it doesn't hurt quite yet but I can feel the joint throbbing and my jaw keeps randomly twitching.
I really hate when I just wake up tense and irritated, my head hurts like hell, yet again thank god I have today off.
I'm so physically tense and restless this morning, I wish my stress from work wouldn't keep bleeding into my days off.
Great start to the day, the bar that holds our towels in the bathroom broke, I was able to fix it by screwing it back to the wall, but it looks like it was very shittily put there to begin with so I will not be shocked if it falls off again.
I've now made a generalized game log page, which means game updates will be moving from here to there, this page will primarily focus on interesting things going on in my real life, which will probably make it less active but more like what I want it to be.
I'm extremely thankful I don't work today because I'm in a lot of pain today, my ribs hurt, my back hurts, I hate this so much, I hope my pain reliever kicks in soon.
It's gotten a little better but my ribs still hurt a little, I'm gonna get some boba, it's a rest day today, I feel so tired.
In other news, I'm now paying for FF14 after my boyfriend offered to purchase the innicial payment package and oh my god, I get it now. This game is extremely fun.
Find it very funny that I start a Pokemon Black Nuzlocke just to start fixating on Renegade Platinum again.
Anyways look at my awesome team, I'm currently stuck at the 4th gym, I feel like it's kinda clear why if you look at Renegade Platinum Maylene's team lol.
I forgot to post about it yesterday because I was fuckin exhausted however I got to see the full eclipse yesterday!!! I was so pretty, it felt dreamlike honestly. I'm so glad I got the chance to go. Strange small stuff like that make me happy to be alive and breathing. To feel joy on this earth. I added a photo of it onto the photo section of this page.
It was surreal to see it become dark as if it was night time, yet the sky was still a vibrant blue, just an extremely dark blue, the crickets even started chirping too. My boyfriend has brought his family's dog along with and he was extremely confused.
Been replaying Renegade Platinum and last night I spent a solid hour just trying to catch a Shuppet.
it has a 10% encounter rate in the Old Chaetou, and I ran into EVERY OTHER POKEMON, INCLUDING RARER MONS, FOR 40 MINUTES, AND THEN FUCKING FOUND A SHINY RATTATA BEFORE I COULD GET A SHUPPET
That game was out to get me specifically.
(TW: ableism and sanism, highlight to read)
One of the managers of where I work was mocking a customer for having a panic attack while struggling to understand the menu/on what to order, she got caught by said customer, desevred embarrassment. She was like "what could even cause that??????? that's so stupid" my brain instantly just started going "GAD, SAD, OCD, Autism, ARFID, Agoraphobia, probably more" and this chick is supposedly pro-mental healh.
I feel like I've just gotten angrier as of late, I was always the "calm one who never got mad", now everything is pissing me off. Maybe suppressing one's anger is a bad idea, who would've thunk it. That or just the teens I work with are fucking aggravating and they just ruin my mood instantly.
I think I'm due for another social media break.
(TW: light ableism and sanism talk)
Gonna be real, I'm starting to think that the only reason why no one in my workplace suspects I have any brain-related disorders is because I'm not ""annoying"", like legit some of them accuss people of being mentally ill, autistic, on drugs, etc, just because they happen to do one of the more ""annoying"" traits of any of those.
People fr only care if they feel like it effects them, even if it doesn't actually effect them.
Been going through the tedious process of factory resetting my PC, my computer has been having so many different issues I just had to, it was inevitable, my computer feels so empty now though, no more bloat.
I'm in such a pissy mood today and I don't know why, I can only best assume it's because of work, still sucks though, I don't like when I'm so snappy.
I feel so mentally exhausted and disconnected, today was so awful at work, so many rude customers today. And I have to go back to work tomorrow. God. I wanna be free already.
I did however send in a request to no longer work Thursdays. I'm gonna be a bit tight on money but I need to do this for my mental health, at least for now.
I usually have a silly bit planned for April Fools, something goofy but small, but this year I've got nothing. Idk I've just been too out of it lately, I don't have the ability to be funny right now, plus I ned to get groceries today.
Today is overwhelming. Intensely anxious and paranoid. Constantly feeling like I'm in danger from nothing. Fuck work today. I hate everything. Time for bed.
Got a Nutella shake, I am now normal.
It's my birthday!!!!! I am now officially 20 years old!!! It has yet to truly click in my brain.
One friend of mine gifted me Slay the Princess which is super exciting and another straight up gifted me 100 dollars on steam, definitely gonna use that soon, maybe, or I'll wait until next sale so I can use even more of it.
I went out to my favorite coffee shop with my boyfriend, I got their seasonal honey lavender latte and it was AMAZING, I loved it. I also got to have my oreo ice cream cake.
We went to a local retro game store near by and managed to find a copy of Animal Crossing City Folk!
Aaaaa I love it so much, I'm gonna take so much care of it
My boyfriend and I went out and got myself an ice cream cake! I have an egg allergy so I can't get a regular cake, but a I prefer ice cream cakes anyways, it's an oreo ice cream cake :)
MY FIRST EVER ACDC RAG PIECE ARRIVED!!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!
I specifically got the lollipop shirt specifically, I'm definitely wearing it tomorrow and for my birthday, I'm so happy. I'm also thankful it got here before I had to leave for work.
Aaaaa my birthday is in 4 days.
I'm not planning anything particularly big, I got an ironer for my birthday because I really needed one. But I'll also be getting my first ever piece from ACDC Rag!!!! I'm really really excited for that, but I'm also gonna be 20 in 4 days, I still haven't processed that.
Can jobs stop ghosting me? Pretty please with a cherry on top? At least tell me when I've been rejected? Please?
Had a work meeting last night, and among a lot of changes, it honestly just felt like a punishment, our new owner just talking about how disgusting everything is. And though I'm glad that the slackers are probably actually gonna get some level of punishment, it feels like people like me who are just here to clock in and clock out without putting mass effort are gonna get punished as well.
I'm not here to make a massive change, I'm here to pay my bills.
I don't wanna feel like I have to 'prove' myself to a workplace I know I'm only at until I can find something better.
I 100%'d KinitoPET, and wow, just wow.
I'm glad to see meta horror still doing well, it's very easy for it to feel overdone by this point but KinitoPET pushes towards the edge, bordering on the line of being a straight up virus. I absolutely adore it. Genuinely terrified me. The hints of a greater reason to Kinito's existance also intrigues me.
I've been recently using Pokemon Sleep for fun and it's kinda genuinely motivating me to sleep better and makes me very excited to wake up in the morning.
I almost INSTANTLY got a Shuppet, literally in my 3rd day, so needless to say, I've been getting all of my handy candy and leveling up exclusively him so I can evolve him.
Graaaah I have so many adulting things to do. I have to renewal my car registration, also have to buy new shoes for work, bluh.
There's this co-worker of mine that I keep instinctively calling a kid because of how he behaves even though he's only like 3 years younger than me. He makes me feel old as fuck though, even though the only gap that's there is just, I'm not on TikTok, much less the corner of TikTok that he's in.
Originally when I started working he was constantly spouting lookmaxxing nonsense, talking about keeping a mewing speak(weird because he never shuts the fuck up). Which I found simultaniously concerning cuz lookmaxxing just promotes a lot of unhealthy thinking but also just extremely annoying.
He's basically the most stereotypical egotistical teenager of the current generation, he didn't feel real, I thought this genre of teenager didn't exist, much less at 17. He says a lot of weird, kinda borderline sexist stuff too. I vividly remember him coming up to other male co-workers talking about finding the most "real" quote he's ever heard on TikTok, and he said, and I quote, IN A WORK ENVIROMENT, (TW: explicitly sexual and derogatory towards women, highlight to read) "She can unfollow you, she can block you, but she can't unswallow you" AND ACTED LIKE THAT WAS THE COOLEST SHIT EVER. Needless to say, everyone laughed at him and mocked him for the rest of the night.
But yesterday he came in claiming to now be going to church and how he's now a changed man. Fascinating experience. Even more fascinating because I learned from him that aparently "bop" is now a slang term for someone who sleeps around a lot(derogatory) and not just when a song sounds good. How the fuck is there such a large gap in gen Z HE IS ONLY 3 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME WHY DOES HE MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M 30 YEARS OLD
Started reading soundless - A MODERN SALEM IN REMOTE AREA -, it's a super hard read and I mean that as a compliment. The VN involves extremely heavily themes about religious abuse and mental illness and so far it's been a painful read with how real it feels, it's nauseating(positive).
Also continuing Cross Channel as well, a real shame that I have no choice but to read it in a butchered state no matter what as every English translation kinda sucks. It seems like the steam version is the one that sucks the least but it's still pretty bad, but I'm gonna stick with it. Hell maybe I can come back to it if I ever try learning Japanese again.
Been enjoying the VNs I've got so far, I'm not too terribly far into Cross Channel but I know what I'm getting intoas I've watched Amelie Doree's video on it, at least the non-spoiler bits. It's sad that I kinda have to bite the bullet with the fact that every English translation of this VN kinda sucks.
I'm really enjoying Wonderful Everyday so far, though I'm probably gonna only play it while my boyfriend is at work, as it's denpa I'll probably get tiddy or ass jumpscared at some point, even with steam censoring, it does have a big 18+ warning.
I also got Return to Shironagasu Island and BAD END, though I haven't started them just yet.
I had a dream last night that a mysterious woman found me at the side of a building and told me "you look stressed" and she offered me one of her cigarettes. Despite never smoking I ended up taking it and it did put me at ease, I woke up extremely groggy and disorientated though.
This sounds like the start of an insane VN plot though I will not lie.
Speaking of visual novels though, I went on a little spending spree for this years Steam sale, I don't usually end up getting anything since for some reason games give me a lot of anxiety to buy, but I have a little bit of cash on me that I can throw around. Here's my hall.
Very interesting set of games to see together huh lol.
I've heard that the Cross Channel steam port isn't the best but I doubt I'll be able to play it any other way right now.
I kinda wanna turn my "Did you know?" part to a live chat for some of my pages. Probably my logs and maybe my essays as well.
Going to a metal concert today!! They were picked by my boyfriend, though he's mostly going for the openers, the main people are fantastic too.
I'm just happy to be going to a metal concert again. It's been too long.
Had a nightmare last night.
I was on vacation with my family and then someone broke into our airbnb, I had to beat him to death using a book and we escape, then suddenly my Dad's face starts distorting in a way I can only compare to Coraline's Other Dad post-turning into a pumpkin. But to my nightmare brain it registered as him having a stroke and I started desperately trying to scream that he was having a stroke but the closer I got to finishing the centence the quiter I got to the point I physically couldn't say the word "stroke"
Then I woke up.
Nightmare was bad but other than that today was great!! Went out to get ice cream with my boyfriend and went for a very nice walk. A charm I bought arrived today as well!
I even got an extra charm from the seller! So nice! I specifically got it from Kawaii Conbini on Etsy
Finally went on a walk today, getting an mp3 player was such a great choice, I love listening to atmospheric music while on walks and having something detached from my phone. I've also installed an app to block Instagram specifically, probably will add Etsy and Doordash to that to prevent temptation.
Speaking of temptation, I got some boba and a little treat today. a half sweet honeydew milk tea, using jasmine tea as the base, and popping strawberry boba. Along with a little cake with boba pearls on top. Sooooo good, but I can feel my heart palpatating already, I'm so gonna regret this. I now understand why desserts are eaten after already eating something.
Hate when I feel ill but not ill to call out of work. My lungs felt heavy and in general I felt weak. I'm doing fine now but god I wanna work less, I'm extremely on the verge to stop working on Thursdays since those days specifically always make me feel like shit. Somehow NOT the disgustingly busy Fridays, the Thursdays with co-workers I hate, in an overstimulating enviroment, and just generally sucky.
Went grocery shopping today and got some new coffee grounds to try, they were labled as vanilla nut. Brewed some this morning and it was fantastic! Porbably some of the best smelling coffee I've ever had. I really wanna experiment with my coffee more.
I used to brew my coffee with cinnamon and I wanna start doing that again since that was super nice.
At war with my brain, found a cute little charm on Etsy and I want it so bad aaaaa but I should reaaaally be saving money, I've genuinely been looking at it since like 6pm, it's currently 11pm.
It's so cute and a phone strap which I've been wanting but I don't need it I don't neeed it.
Today on break I finally started reading the manga Nana! I always figured I'd really enjoy it but I just simply never found the right time to start it. I'm only 2 and a half chapters in and I'm already super interested, Nana Komatsu is super cute while being highly emotional and Nana Osaki is the my ideal of a cool girl while also clearly having a lot of baggage. Super excited to keep reading.
Aaaaaaa I don't wanna go to work today, I want it to be tomorrow already so I can have a day off. I want a new job so bad but finding something else that pays the same or more and is full time is driving me crazy, I don't even wanna work full time I just know I have to.
I've been collecting obscure-ish manga to read while on break as sort of escapism. I recently found Smoking Maid Romance and I love it, nothing better than the image of a maid cafe worker smoking on her break. Love me some gap-moe girlies.
WORK OVER!!!! I HAVE THE DAY OFF TOMORROW!!! YIPPIEEEEE!!!
I read a little bit of the Non Non Biyori manga, very nice, very silly, I wanna squish Renge's face.
God I'm so overstimulated, it was so loud at work today, I'm just gonna hide under my weighted blanket for the night.
I also have to go to work again tomorrow. I want it to be over alreadyyyyy...
You know it's been a shitty day at work when you end it with sending out a bunch of job applications at the end of the day.
In brighter news I've started playing NeiR Automata again, I was absolutely obsessed with this game for awhile, but I never got the chance to complete it. It's so fun and so beautiful, I wanna give 9S a fat smooch.
I really wish I could just have better self control over social media, Instagram makes me miserable but it's such an easy dopamine machine. People are just so fucking angry on there, it pisses me off.
I need to find one of those apps that locks an app after a certain amount of time.
Anyways I started Persona 1 today! Extremely different from the later titles, the story hasn't entirely gripped me yet, most of what gives me intrigue is how everyone gets their personas immediately and how genuinely fun and weird the gameplay is.
Thinking of making a DnD log from the perspective of my character, sounds fun, I might just include it in my game log since DnD does qualify as a game.
Very very interesting customer interaction today.
A usual Friday night, for some reason people are still coming in 30 minutes before closing (WHO GOES TO AN UNSPECIFIED OVERPRICED LUNCH PLACE AT 8:30PM) and a lady comes to grab her food.
They were having a normal conversation with my co-worker, though it kinda sounded like she was forcing the conversation onto her, but once I started mentally tuning into the conversation because she asked "What happened to that one boy at the drive thru?" After asking a couple of questions to figure out who it was, we figured out who I'll just call N.
Then suddenly she exclaimed that "he was so rude!! he would always say 'hey welcome to (food place)' at the drive thru instead of 'hello'!! Back in my day we would say 'hey is for horses'!!"
I was trying so hard to not lose my shit, she legit sounds like a caricature of an out of touch 60-70 year old, like ??? there's people who genuinely think like this???? This sounds like it'd be made up to make older people look bad.
The cherry on top was that after she left my co-worker told me that this is the 2nd time she's complained about this exact thing, despite claiming she never told N that she was angered by it. Literally what's the point about lying about that???
Guess who finished Persona 3 Reload and cried like a big ol baby???
I'm so happy Reload is a thing, I want more people to experience this story, the story that changed my life and my outlook on death and the future. This game means so much to me.
They're here!!! They're finally here!!
My life has officially peaked, the audio quality is a lot better than what I was expecting.
Today overall was kinda meh, but I customized my desktop with more rainmeter(I keep wanting to call it rainmaker for some reason) and I wanna show it!
I already showed off this rainmeter skin when I first disovered rainmeter but this is the finalized look, pls ignore how much my memory is shitting it self, I need to get my PC upgraded. And pls trust me I haven't had my computer on for 26 hours straight, it just doesn't reset unless I force shut down my computer.
Download for the skin here.
A lot less here since my right monitor is my main and biggest monitor so I'm typically using it for something, but I do have something I wanna talk about regarding to it.
You see the battle hud? You can get it here but you may notice that it's only for the original protagonist.
I spent my entire morning today retexturing this hud PURELY so it could match with the rest of the layout. Teehee silly.
You can get the Persona 3 styled clock here and here if you want the femc version
Made a tiny bit of an impulse purchase(not really, I planned it) because I had a genius idea!
I am going to become Persona 3 protagonist in real life. Sadly it's arriving on a day I work so fingers crossed it either comes before I go to work or doesn't get stolen. Though I've seen people around here leave packages out for several days and never get stolen so I should be fine.
Persona 3 has got me so so tempted to try to get my hands on a mp3 player necklace of some kind, I don't care if the tech is super outdated, I love stuff that's made for a specialized purpose!!!!
I will infact put every Persona 3 Portable exclusive track on it and pretend I'm Kotone(P3 Femc).
Aaaaaa complete and utter brain fog today, I feel so dazed, and I have work today, fantastic, hope it's not that bad, Sunday's usually go smoothly outside of about a rush that happens from 6 to 7. Let's hope this doesn't fuck me over.
Don't you hate it when you wake up and just feel extremely on edge? I can't explain it well, like one little thing is either gonna give me a panic attack or send me into an intense rage.
Had an interesting day at work yesterday, was first annoyed with the fact that they both only scheduled for 2 people to close our area then immediately they force me to train a new worker completely unprompted (this is the second time now, I have only been working for 3 months)
But it ended up being pretty chill, luckily the co-worker I was closing with is like the singular one I feel comfortable talking to.
I'm trying so hard to not make even more pages, my brain keeps jumping to fixation to fixation, but aaaa making a page dedicated to logging my playthroughs of games would be sooo coool. I'm currently replaying Persona 5 Royal with a femc mod, though sadly if I start it I'll have to start logging on the 2nd palace... Maybe it's a blessing in disguise since it means the page will be slightly less massive.
Oh yeah! Surprise! I'm now using Banette emoticons for this page! (context to new comers, I used to use emoticons of Espurr) I don't feel like depicting myself as an Espurr on here anymore, or really anything specific, and Banette is my favorite Pokemon so it just feels right, even if the little guy doesn't entirely match with the page aesthetic they match with my vibe and that's all that really matters.
Happy Valentine's Day! Friendly reminder that you should use this day to celebrate and spread love in general!
Got a family you love? Spend time with your family!
Got some amazing friends? Show them how much you appreciate them!
Hell, love yourself, get yourself something, treat yourself something.
Do a random act of kindness for a stranger anything.
In a world filled with hate and rage, love should be celebrated. Fuck societal expectations and companies making it all about romantic love, there is so much more love than just romantic. You don't need a romantic partner to celebrate love.
Updates are probably gonna get less frequent, of course the moment I get the motivation to work on my project I lose it immediately. Hopefully if I can find a new job that doesn't drain me so much maybe I'll have the motivation again, I just hate how fast I lose it.
Got a new mousepad! it's one of those ones that covers most of the desk, I was at the mall I live by browsing this generalized nerdy store and spotted one woth Komi and Tadano from Komi Can't Communicate. I've already been looking for a new mousepad and it was also the last one so I just had to. Happy about that.
Been trying to use a self care app lately, I know a majority of them are bullshit but this one has a list function and the dopamine of checking stuff off a list + a cute little penguin buddy is all I really need out of it, I doubt a random app is gonna cure all of my mental problems lol. I have today off though, so that's nice.
My Instagram algorythm made me aware of the MLP Infection au trend that's been going around(lol) and it simultaniously is very nostalgic and interesting but it also keeps triggering my paranoia. Gotta love being a horror fan but also dealing with your brain fucking with you.
aaaaaaaa I hate writers block so much, there's so many things I wanna work on but my brain just won't let me at all, I'm like permanently stuck in brainstorm mode and not writing mode.
I finally got myself to sit down and do a rough sketch of character designs of a VN I wanna make! hmmm... maybe I should make a development page on it...
Been playing Persona 3 Reload with my boyfriend, he's primarily playing it since I played P3P so I already know the story. I've been mostly watching to see the changes, the game is so beautiful, I love how they translated the game into Persona 5's stylized vibe, I hope every Persona game is this stylish from now on.
Life's been a drag, so much is happening at once and I'm so overwhelmed and tired. I had so much motivation yesterday to keep doing stuff and then everything crashed at once today. God. I love and hate being an adult.
I completely snapped at co-workers today, though I don't really regret it, they kept arguing over pointless shit and I just yelled "JUST DO YOUR WORK" and they immediately shut up. Oh the powers of being the token calm person and having the power of changing the vibe of a room immediately in the rare moments you get angry.
I recently bought a new ita bag! I laid out a plan of a bunch of pins and charms I wanna get for it, maybe in the future I'll share an image of it.
But this week has been wild, in some ways I don't wanna discuss, if you saw me going crazy on Tumblr last night uhhh nuh-uh
My work fucked up so hard that the inventory dudes that gets our unspecificed place's food ingredients that somehow we ended up with boxes of Wendy's chicken nuggets, it is not a Wendy's. So I have a bag of chicken nuggets now.
I hate when I have the urge to go out on Saturdays because I know I hate leaving the house on Saturdays, every place is so busy and I don't wanna give workers at places even more to worry about. Everywhere is so overstimulating but I'm so understimulated right now.
It always makes me so sad when I hear people complaining about Valentine's Day and how little people weren't raised with this idea that Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love in all forms and not just romantic love. Valentine's Day shouldn't be a day where 'society mocks you for being single' just because that's how marketing people make it, fuck what society thinks, fuck what cooperations think, from now forward Valentine's Day is for love of all kinds. Romantic, platonic, familial, self, all of it.
In a hell world like ours the fact that love itself still exists is something to be celebrated.
Also fuck the whole "ohhh you could get flowers and chocolates every day for your s/o why do you have to wait until a specific day???" YOU DON'T!!! LITERALLY NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU!!! GET YOUR S/O SOME FLOWERS FOR NO REASON!!!!
*Ahem* tangent aside...
My new debit card is finally here!!!!! So naturally I immediately am spending money. It's not an impulsive purchase though, back when I was stuck in bed with covid I accidentally spilt coffee all over my ita bag and though it didn't gain much damage it's just enough to give me a good excuse to move on and get a new one.
Been going down an Ukagaka rabbit hole recently, I reinstalled FLELE which I used to use as a kid but I had no idea there was more to this program since all downloads I got were only FLELE without the default SSP girl, I installed a cute cat that sits on my desktop now. I think I'm just collecting desktop widgets at this point.
But alas, back to work, I hate that my brain dreads work but I know that when I don't have a job I feel empty and hollow, I really want a balance.
A part of me is afraid of when my brain is fully developed, will I stop liking some of the things I really enjoy? How will I change? But at the same time I'm hopeful that it'll calm a lot of my mental instabilities.
Since a lot of minors exist on Neocities I've gone ahead and added age warnings for any media I talk about that's 17+, 16+ media and the generalized monthly recommendations regardless of age rating will be kept with just TWs and any other media will be kept with little to no warnings depending on context.
I got the day off! for some reason... A little odd but honestly I feel so sluggish I don't really mind, as long as I'm still making enough. Luckily since my replacement debit card STILL hasn't arrived (it's being sent to a local location rather than my apartment complex, packages very frequently get lost when being sent here for some reason.) I have been physically unable to make any impulse purchases so I have a good amount of money on me.
I've started collecting little computer widgets and things, I recently installed FLELE which I had back when I was like 9, yeah I don't really have a use for it because I have the power of spotify but now I have a cute little Teto sitting on my desktop so who's really winning?
Oops did not realize I downloaded an outdated version of the skin yesterday! Here's a new image!
(click for a better view)
Other than that I got groceries today, gonna be starting the 2nd DnD session soon. (Assuming it doesn't keep getting delayed lol)
Work was alright, pretty average, however more importantly I found out about rainmeter and naturally I installed the Needy Streamer Overload skin
(click for a better view)
There's a little bit more but they're on my other monitor, I really like that Ame's webcam does correlate to your computer's CPU, Memory, and storage. Aka she's in a constant high mental darkness animation for me (minus right now because I'm listening to music.) Oh yeah! this includes your screentime as well! When I originally downloaded this I had been accidentally leaving my computer on and because of that she had her 100k celebration background.
Selfcare day, took a nice lavender bath, I honestly wanna get a bunch of lavender products, fun fact, I have a bit of a lavender obsession.
I ended up calling into work because of weather, I'm physically shaking I really hope this doesn't negatively impact me in the future, I very rarely call into work but I've had to twice this month now, one I was gone an entire week because of covid. I hope they don't think I'm lying just to get out of work. But then again I've seen many of my co-workers do worse and not get fired so maybe I'll be fine, still scared though.
Ended up getting dragged into work regardless since the weather started to clear up, but that's not the part I'm pissed off about, that's mildly disappointing but nothing major. My manager was telling me about how soooo many people called out today, one person called out other than me, and they hadn't even called out yet, it was just a smart guess since they called in sick the day before.
I was so close to snapping at a co-worker today. Think the most stereotypical teenage boy who thinks he's the hottest shit, the type who gets alllll the bitches (supposedly) (he's probably lying).
Most punchable kid I've ever met, legit shocked he's 16, he looks and acts like he's 14.
Back to work today, I can already tell I'm gonna be super rusty, at least I'm not closing.
So, I finished YOU and ME and HER.
It's getting a page for sure, I'd marry Aoi(platonically).
Both have officially recovered from covid AND had my first PROPER DnD session today! It was quite hectic but in a good way, how DnD works is definitely starting to click in my head.
I'm in a lot of physical pain though... my back has been in really bad pain since I've gotten up. Which sucks.
Also naturally after writing a page that focuses on the addiction of social media I remade my Tumblr account. I'll probably put it on my info section at some point, though I'll probably mostly be using it to look at fan art and to shitpost.
In other news I'm planning out a new ita bag, I spilt coffee on my current one and I've been wanting to get a new one anyways so I guess it's time, but my new debit card (reminder that I lost my original one) still hasn't arrived, plus I should probably wait until I get my oil changed.
It finally snowed over here! but so cold...
But alas the snow is already melting... At least is snowed a little!
I finished my page on Needy Streamer Overload!!! I'm very happy with it, I'm gonna start trying to chip away on the Danganronpa page as I can tell it's gonna be a veeeery long one.
Oops disappeared for 2 days because I've been resting! Went to the doctor so I could get a doctor's note from work and oddly enough my covid test there came back as negative, overall my symptoms have been extremely mild but my doctor was still decently confident that it was covid, she just couldn't put that it was covid on my doctor's note, probably for legal reasons.
But it's been way worse for my boyfriend, the first day I really started showing symptoms his was hitting him hard, so I was primarily looking after him. Now the roles have been swapped, mostly because my fatigue has been so bad that I didn't feel safe driving.
But now that I'm home GAAAAA I'M SO RESTLESS I'm soooo bored, why was I hoping I'd get sick I forgot that I despise staying in one spot for a prolonged amount of time.
Gueeeeess who might have covid!!! Today I woke up and my cold symptoms have just gotten worse and my sense of taste is completely fucked.
I went ahead and called in sick and ordered some covid tests online, if it is covid I'd be impressed I've gone this long without it. I guess this is what I get for saying I was hoping to get sick so I didn't have to go to work. Be careful what you wish for.
My boyfriend is sick, I'm feelung under the weather-ish but not enough that I can't work, had to go get groceries alone so I'm overstimulated AND my debit card is missing so I had to freeze it and order a new one, I'm so tired but I still have to go into work today.
My boyfriend got a TV during Christmas and we finally set it up in our room!
I was extremely distressed about going to work today, today wasn't that bad but my boyfriend saw how incredibly stressed I was before going to work so he went to Dairy Queen and got my a Oreo hot cocoa blizzard. I love this man so so much. The way into my heart is pure sugar and chocolate.
Woke up with the sniffles, hopefully I'm not developing a cold... Actually, that'd mean I'd have to take days off work... I hope it's a cold.
On the bright side I'm going out today!! Got all cute and am ready to go on a nice walk with my boyfriend! God knows I need it.
Today... sucked...
I went into work today thinking for sure that today would be decently easy, and it was hell, I was also informed that I did a really shitty job closing last night, which I know very well I should've known better not to rush through everything, I just really really wanted to go home. They told me in a very nice way but god in my current stess filled state I felt extremely mad at myself.
But uh, I also got something in the mail. I bought a Kangel charm a couple days ago and it came today! So that makes things a little better
It's by RAINBOWWORMSOUP on Etsy!
I'm tempted to switch to a 4 day work week, but I'm unsure if it'll decrease my pay, or if my manager would even be willing to allow me to work for 9 or 10 hours to compensate, I just feel like I'd function better if I were working 4 days a week. Hell I was tempted to take a mental health day today as I haven't been feeling well but again I'm worried it won't go over well, so I guess I'll go, as much as I don't want to.
I think I need to just let myself read a bunch of VNs and manga instead of worrying about all the things I wanna make but simply can't. I haven't felt this burnt out in awhile.
I like the idea of making video essays but I hate the idea of recording my voice and funnily enough the idea of them getting remotely popular makes me nervous, I'll just stick to logs on here.
I recently bought a couple visual novels with the last of my steam gift money. I've started YOU and ME and HER and I'm obsessed so far, though I'm only about an hour in. Aoi is sooo me fr fr.
I also got Sayo no Uta and Milk Inside A Bag Of Milk.
I've been getting super intrigued by the Denpa genre of visual novels after I found out about it both through Needy Streamer Overload and the YouTuber Amelie Doree. I've been wanting to dip my toes into darker and stranger content, I've always been into stuff like that but I kinda always let the "uh oh... what if people think I'm a freak for finding this stuff interesting???" was still lightly controlling me, time to push past that.
I hate when I really enjoy the concept of finishing a project but the act of working on it is physically difficult. I hate burnout so much.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!! Writing this at 12am currently!!! I think my new years resolution this year will be just a general improvement on management on my anxiety and stress, let's do this!
I took another self-care bath, I feel so optimistic yet so anxious and overwhelmed, being an adult is weird...
OH GOD I"M TURNING 20 THIS YEAR!! I'm gonna be a true adult... Idk if I'm ready...
Morning after and god I really need to get my bangs trimmed, but I'm kinda rocking the emo cut ngl.