BOOTLEG BLOG
Today's post!
11/19/2024
Every time I see a post about "girl's girl" I wonder why I struggle to connect so much with other women, yeah sure I have traditionally '''boyish''' interests and I don't really consider myself feminine personality wise, but that can't be it right?
There is women I get along with, but they're usually in some way also seen as 'atypical' by society. A mass majority of women just, don't like me or don't vibe with me. I tend to click with guys easily as long as they're y'know, not assholes, so not a very high bar.
A majority of people who I'm aware of who have ever disliked me have been women or fem identifiying adjacent, I genuinely don't know what I'm doing for this to happen, I wish I could get along with them more! Not that I have zero, it's just that my friends are like %90 guys, it's just something that's always bugged me because I don't know why I get on girls' bad side so often.
The only one who's ever verbally communicated exactly why to me said she thought I was so mean because I set a boundery when she tried to sit with me on work break saying "I'm sorry, I like to spend my breaks alone" and how direct I was at correcting her mistakes at work, but I'm not stupid I'm not gonna assume ~every woman must hate when I set bounderies because of this singular one~
Is it my autism? Then why do I get along with generally neurotypical dudes well? Actually, I take that back, most of my male friends have ADHD, autism, schizophrenic spec or some sort of mental health condition. Maybe I'm just better at finding neurodivergent guys than girls? Wraps around to the whole fact that neurodivergency in women always going unnoticed and how SUPPOSEDLY girls are better at masking than guys (I don't believe this entirely, I just think there's simultaniously more social pressure for girls and that it's more normalized for girls to be ~quirky~)
That was actually kinda hard to type out, despite being diagnosed as a child I'm still struggling to come to full acceptance because of childhood stuff.
11/18/2024
DELETE YOUR TWITTER ACCOUNT!!!!!!! YOU'LL BE SO MUCH MORE HAPPY!!!!!! TWITTER AND ALMOST EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA SITE PROFITS OFF OF YOUR MISERY AND RAGE!!!!!!!! DELETE IT NOW!!!!!
11/13/2024
My boyfriend and I finished Toradora, I forgot how good that anime is, it makes me so sad that the ending is such a cliff hanger, I swear I thought there was a 2nd season but I guess not, I genuinely have no clue where I got that information from. But regardless I cried like a fucking baby. We love Taiga on this website.
11/10/2024
"Expect me to be more active on here" I say as I disappear for 4 days, a lot's been going on, I'll go more into it in the future probably.
11/06/2024
Survive out of sheer spite.
I'm gonna take a good ol' social media cleansing given everything, so expect me to be more active on here for a bit.
11/05/2024
It's election day! Also known as tension day! Yay!
In uh, different news, my boyfriend and I have started watching Toradora! I watched it years ago and loved it and my boyfriend loves both romance and the tsundere archetype. He's been really liking it so far.
Today was tiring as fuck, my body felt like it was shutting down midshift and I had to kinda carry the shift as the other person with me on the line is new (not hating on her, more hating on how poorly the training job is around here) and I had to stay late because we had to do a lot of cleaning.
11/04/2024
My blood sugar dropped really bad yesterday to the point I have to leave work early, it feels like I'm still lightly recovering today. I'm honestly proud of myself for saying that I need to go home, Raven a year ago would've never.
11/02/2024
Went out and got a delicious sundae, had strawberry cheesecake ice cream, whipcream, nuts, fudge, and a hot brownie. Amazing.
I sewed up my jeans a little bit, we'll see how well they'll hold up tomorrow, the thread that came with the jean patches wasn't that much which means I didn't have much room for error and I've never sewn by hand before.
10/28/2024
Really want to make a new page on here or write on the Soundless essay but, I've been so fucking tired it's insane. My brain doesn;t wanna even look at words anymore.
10/25/2024
Odd type of rush today, an actual bus full of old people, like 50 old people came in, it was comical how many old people walked in.
10/22/2024
Learned how to iron on denim patches to repair my jeans, definitely not perfect and I'll have to fix it later, but I'm still very proud of myself! Definitely cheaper than buying new jeans.
I think I'm actually gonna start collecting patches for my jacket now.
Wore my earplugs at work today and they did wonders!! I didn't feel absolutely drained upon getting home, crazy how I feel better when I accomidate myself.
10/21/2024
Tried out my earplugs and they're super good! Excited to really actually test them out, probably tomorrow since I wanna try beating FFXIV Endwalker today.
10/19/2024
Trying to find somewhere to sell an old lolita dress of mine since unfortunately it simply just doesn't fit me anymore and also I've long given up on lolita fashion as it's expensive and not good for my sensory issues.
10/18/2024
Finally ordered some earplugs for work, or for life in general. I need to take steps to accomidate for myself, and I asked online and most people said most managers won't give a shit as long as I clarify "these are earplugs to improve my focus, not earbuds."
10/15/2024
Had a nightmare so intense my body feels sore, I don't even know how that happens. The nightmare was that the worlds started ending, like The Rapture levels of world ending, not even the worst nightmare I've had but my body hurts now.
10/14/2024
Completely forgot that I was meaning to record the audio for the video I've been wanting to make yesterday, I ended up doing basically nothing because I've been so tired. Maybe I might just try to do it on a day after I work while my boyfriend is still at work.
10/09/2024
Kind Words 2 is offically out! Highly recommended for those who have big emotions and want somewhere to go but for one reason or another struggle to convey it to others.
Oh yeah! something I forgot to say yesterday cuz I was busy being, fucking miserable. I made absolutely perfect waffles yesterday and I feel so proud of myself, just needed to mess with the recipe a bit to work with being eggless and I did it!! I'm so happy.
10/08/2024
Playing my favorite game, am I coming down with an illness or is my body just giving up on me because of stress? (or the secret third thing, caffeine withdrawl)
My head hurts a lot, I feel incredibly tired, it sucks.
10/07/2024
Got to go out in the first time in a hot minute and got to go to my favorite local coffee shop! They have they Autumn menu now, I tried their "Autumn Chai", which is a chai latte with apple and it is AMAZING!!
I really like my outfit today :) I don't know if you can see it but I'm also wearing my red mage job stone necklace.
10/05/2024
God I've needed this day off I can feel it in my body. I was originally gonna make a quick run to the grocery to grab a couple things I forgot but I ended up just doordashing the stuff because I felt so physically drained. it's a rest day I think.
10/04/2024
I've been having a lot of nightmares again, I hate how vivid they are. I haven't even been that stressed, at least I don't think.
You know it's been a long day when I'm pulling up clips of my comfort characters being oh so silly.
10/01/2024
The way the coding end of Neocities looks has changed just enough to kind of bother me, it's a little disorientating.
Gonna be trying out a new float idea! Peach soda with vanilla ice cream!! I adore peach flavored stuff so I am excited.
09/30/2024
My FFXIV brain rot is so strong I struggled to sleep last night oops, now I'm tired as fuck.
09/27/2024
Weather is gonna be nasty today, winds ranging from 20 to 30 mph, riding the line on it being too dangerous to drive, with gusts of 50-60.
I'm genuinely considering maybe asking my boyfriend to drive me to work if we can figure it out logistically (since I leave work at arond 9:10pm and he leaves at 12:00am) since he offered yestersay and he's a lot better of a driver than me.
I'd probably just tough it out if the road to my work didn't attract the worst drivers in the world. Like "exclusively U-turning at no U-turn signs and weeving through traffic with no blinker on a 30 speed limit"
09/24/2024
I'm having a hard time doing anything lately.
09/23/2024
Oops, sorry for disappearing for a little bit, I've been either too exhausted to do anything, at work, or rewriting my Marciess Gmod Stream essay in order to make it a video essay!
Regardless, I've been exhausted, I'm still exhausted, it feels like I haven't gotten any proper time to rest. And I have important shit to do today as well.
09/17/2024
There was a point in time where I felt the need to try to correct peoples' paths in life in fear of them hurting or them making the wrong choice. Obsessed with the idea of being a 'protector' more than a friend. I've moved past that now, at least I think I have.
My complex around needing to save as many people as possible was toxic to me and to thoise around me, I needed to change.
Unfortunately I feel part of the reason of the realization is because I've realized that in terrible truth most of the worst of the world is out of our control, including things that happen to us, to them, to me. We cannot "locus of control" our way out of our suffering.
But we still live.
09/16/2024
I hate how strong of negative reactions I can have at small things, blowing up at any mistake I make. I wanna be able to make waffles without blowing up because for whatever reason the waffles turn out shit despite me following the instructions step by step.
But, if it's what has to happen in order for me to learn, than in anger I'll learn it.
Really is a metaphor for my life though, when I do exactly as I'm 'supposed' to everything falls apart, but the moment I do things my own way (I didn't follow the instructions last time I made waffles) everything goes correctly. Something something my life is better when I follow my own path and not what society wants of me.
09/12/2024
THE INCREDIBLY ANNOYING CO-WORKER IS GONE!!! HE QUIT!!! I CAN NOW GO TO WORK WITH LESS DREAD NOW!!! YEAAAAAH!!!!!
09/10/2024
I want my brain to stop giving me incomprehensible yet extremely vivid dreams to the point that for a solid 10-15 minutes upon waking up I can't tell the line between reality and dream.
I woke up thinking their was a computer chip in my brain just because that was the case in my dream, it was fucking weird.
09/09/2024
HAPPY CIRNO DAY!!!
Entirely unrelated but it's been so insane to me how much simply just making my own food everyday as improved my mental and physical health, it really is just that simple sometimes.
I learned how to make quesadillas and I've been eaching them so much since. I wanna learn how to make tacos and burritos next.
09/07/2024
Got myself a frozen coffee as a bit of a treat because god knows I need it right now.
09/06/2024
I've had a lot on my mind.
I've been very frequently stuck in thought loops, thinking about peoples' difficulty to confront that they could potentially not understand everything about the human experience and how they face this with anger rather than curiousity.
People would rather double down on being wrong on neurodivergency conditions such as autism, OCD, etc, than learn that their way of experiencing reality isn't the only one. I don't get why, logically why would your brain be the only way a brain could function? If the concept of being wrong about something discomfort you so much you get angry then why are you not willing to learn? Don't you hate being wrong?
Personally I love learning, my experience on reality isn't the only one, neither is yours, even if you don't have a specified neurodivergence, even if you have the same/similar neuro make-up, our realities aren't the same. I love learning about other peoples' realities. Why do people hate it?
And why do people hate being inconvenienced so much? We as a society are constantly complaining about the populations decreasing attention span and patience and yet it feels so incredibly normalized to be angry when someone 'inconveniences' them in one way or another.
Be it something small like being a kind of slow driver or something major like being unable to have difficulty with a task due to a disability, they are both treated with such rage. And yet they complain about others' impatience.
People struggle so much to question their own behaviors, I wonder if most people are just afraid of being wrong. Why is being wrong punished so harshly but also not punished at all? I don't get it, I don't ghet it.
It isn't hard to ask and communicate another person's whys and hows, but people see it as so discomforting they directly fuck themselves over, planting seeds for future conflict.
We need to end the assumption we should magically know what people are thinking, even if you don't have a disorder that affects your ability to read non-verbal social cues it's awful. If we communicate clearly we can learn and be a lot happier and a lot less angry.
I just need to get these thoughts out, I wanna be out of this thought loop already.
09/04/2024
TW THIS NIGHTMARE RETELLING CONTAINS BRIEF DESCRIPTIONS OF BUGS, BLOOD, AND DECAYING FLESH
Woke up from a nightmare where I was in my childhood bathroom with my boyfriend for some reason and there was this unspecified bug jumping around the place, looked like a weird fusion of a brown recluse and a tick, it bit my legs multiple times and my legs started to go numb, bleed, and the wounds began to look like they were rotting.
My boyfriend claimed we had to take me to the hospital immediately but for some reason we had to walk there, it felt like we kept teleporting all over the place as it became harder and harder for me to walk, I specifically remember a city but the tram was replaced with swings you had to sit on to get anywhere.
09/03/2024
Waking up drained and filled with dread, I don't wanna go to work.
I'm starting to genuinely consider getting a 2nd job, especially if they keep underscheduling me.
09/01/2024
First day of September!! I want it to get cold already :(
Made bacon for the first time today and I feel like I did a good job! Maybe a tiny bit undercooked but I like my red meat medium rare anyways.
Float of the day: vanilla ice cream with Mountain Dew Purple Thunder. A bit experimental but shcokingly good!
08/31/2024
FINALLY, DAYS OFF, I AM FREE FOR NOW AAAAA
This work week was hell I'm so happy to be free, I got myself a giant coffee as a treat.
I'm so sad there's no Hong Cha near us, they're doing a collab with FFXIV and I really wanted a cute cup, but the nearest one is like 11 hours away :(
08/29/2024
Oh my god fuck today, Taichi took fucking forever just to make a cup of fruit and kept complaining how long it takes to make, this kid is driving me up a wall.
I wanna finish writing my essay on Soundless so bad but I'm, so tired. I have no mental strength to do so, hopefully this weekend refreshes my mind.
08/28/2024
It's another annoying teenager co-worker story! I talk about him so much I'm just gonna call him Taichi because he's like Taichi from Cross Channel just without any of the character development (I've also not come close to finishing Cross Channel)
So Taichi's current arc is that he watches anime now, which genuinely shocked be as he seems like the type to mock anyone for watch anime, but now he's aggresively insisting that he's learning "self taught Japanese" just because he can quote a singular line from Bleach.
He's also going on a trip to Japan with his family and INSISTS he's gonna be sooooo popular in Japan and how he's gonna be fluent in Japanese.
He's gonna make a fool of himself I can't wait.
08/27/2024
THE SONIC 3RD MOVIE TRAILER IS OUT!!!
And I am, mostly excited but lightly worried.
Like, all of it looks great, but why is Gerald alive??? Like I figured they weren't gonna have him fuckin executed via firing squad like in the original, but why is he alive????
And Sonic working WITH the government is disappointing but not surprising, Paramount doesn't have the balls to make the statement of "the government is full of people actively lying to you and will actively throw you under the bus to cover up their mistakes" like the original did
But, other than that it looks great! I can't wait to watch a little girl die on screen.
08/26/2024
Woke up in a state of panic and with a lingering feeling that something is gonna go wrong. I can't remember what dream I had for the life of me but I can only imagine that's what caused it. I hate so much when this happens.
I think I might go through with making a shakes and floats page at some point, maybe not for a minute since I made the DnD section not that long ago and I have some essays I wanna finish, but definitely in the future.
08/25/2024
Did not wanna get up this morning, I do not wanna go to work, I don't wanna.
But, on the bright side, new ice cream float today!!! Today we used Cherry Dr Pepper with vanilla ice cream and it was AMAZING!!! I think this is our best work so far. I adore it!!
Maybe I should made a list of floats and shakes on this website for you guys to make too! Not sure if I'll do it just yet. But maybe.
08/24/2024
Today we made swiss roll milkshakes and they were so so so good, I randomly found a blender our old roommate left behind and never grabbed so it's ours now lol. I wanna make so many shakes now.
08/23/2024
My body fucking hurt all shift today it was unbearable. My ribs hurt so bad I could barely function and it took so fucking long for my ibuprofen to kick in.
08/22/2024
My body feels uncomfortable and hurts, I wanna crawl out of my skin right now. It's a rest day today
Every light is too bright, every texture is bad, I hate everything, thank god I'm not going to work today.
My mind is back to being spiratic, I wanna read but I just can't, the words are just shapes, none of them getting processed.
08/21/2024
Opposite problem now, I'm incredibly restless and on edge. Thankfully I have tomorrow off, usually I'd complain but, I don't mine one extra day off.
I'm so glad I have tomorrow off because my co-workers were driving me up the fucking wall today.
My mind is so spiratic tonight, I can't stay in one place mentally for too long without switching gears. My thoughts are running too fast. Thank god I have tomorrow off. I wanna write but my brain just keeps going everywhere ever.
Speaking of spiratic, everytime I think about the modern trend of 'lookmaxxing' I think about how fucked it is, yeah shit like mewing is funny as fuck and I can laugh at people who genuinely think it works but(TW SELF HARM AND BODY HARM)
then I see shit about people talking about purposefully breaking bones in their face and reconstructing how their bone structure is and I'm like holy fuck, I wish body dysmorphia was taken more seriously in men, fuck I wish body dysmorphia was taken more seriously PERIOD.
08/20/2024
I'm so fucking tired this morning, I slept fine so I don't know why. I really, really don't wanna go to work. I still haven't ordered my earplugs because I'm trying to save money. Today is gonna be miserable.
08/19/2024
Rainmeter check!!
It's a little less of a cluster fuck now, my wallpaper is art by Shinanashina
I deal with Costochondritis pretty frequently but everytime it comes in I get paranoid, my mind immediately becomes convinced I'm about to have a heart attack, but I'm not, I know this exact feeling, so I don't know why my brain is so hellbent on tricking me into thinking I'm having a heart attack.
My ibuprofen finally kicked in but I still feel general discomfort, like I can feel the inflamed cartilage still just it doesn't hurt anymore.
08/18/2024
I managed to fix my drawing tablet!! It was having a lot of issues for awhile and I finally fixed it! I just had to reinstall the drivers twice I guess lol, I think something went wrong when I first updated my drivers. But I can draw again!!
Now if only I had any inspiration at all, I'm so tired this morning for some reason, and I went to bed earlier than usual, so I don't know what happened. Well, I'm mentally tired but physically restless, worst state to be in for drawing.
08/17/2024
Went on a walk with my boyfriend to the shopping center next to us, I got a new shirt and a big water bottle! So excited to put a bunch of stickers on it! We also stopped by a local donut shop and it was FANTASTIC!! I got a donut with stawberry and chocolate frosting, it was AMAZING!!! I think it's the first time I've had fresh warm donuts, amazing.
In my journey to cook more I made some bowtie pasta with alfredo sauce, it was really good! I have left-overs for tomorrow too now.
08/16/2024
Trying to hold myself accountable and actually take care of myself every day. I know I can do it I just need to keep the ball rolling.
Really hope today goes smoothly at work, at least I have a weirdly short shift. We'll also be going back to closing at 9 instead of 10, HOPEFULLY that means we'll go back to having 2 or 3 people closing the main line, but now that they know that people kind of can close all 3 on their own I would not be shocked if they prioritize saving money on workers than actually treating their workers well.
Trying to stop clentching my jaw, I get medical botox for my TMJ and thankfully it feels like it's still active but I don't wanna keep doing it.
08/15/2024
I'm back from visiting my family and hometown!!! With some new found motivation as well!
I was mostly visiting old places, I visited the coffee shop I went to all the time, walked in the park I used to live right next to, it was very nice.
Also while I was there, I got a hair cut!!! I had been meaning to for awhile because I struggle to keep up with how incredibly high maintenance having both thick and long hair with a fuck ton of strands is. It's an A line bob cut that's a bit longer than the usual one, being a little bit below my neck in the back and slightly past my shoulders in the front. I kinda wish I got it a tiny bit shorter but hey there's next time.
Trying to ride this motivation high as much as possible so I cleaned a bit, proud of myself.
Sensory input hurt so much today I almost started crying because of how much sound hurt, I need to commit and buy some earplugs even though I know some people will be weird about it.
08/10/2024
Tomorrow I'm gonna be leaving to visit some family, I'll be back on the 14th (though probably won't post again til the 15th)
Got myself a nice burito and soup from Trader Joe's, I think I should start doing what my Dad used to do and just put a shit ton of random stuff into a tortilla and call that lunch, he's in such good health honestly I should copy his health habits in general and we're so genetically similar.
08/09/2024
The Kind Words 2 playtest makes me feel the same amount of comfort as the first one did when I first played it, this sense of hope that kind hearted people are still out there but still with the realistic showcase that people are struggling. When stuck in the constant grind, seeing people simply living their lives is, comforting to me. There are so many people in this world, so many individual lives, so many differences. The world is alive.
08/08/2024
I got accepted to participate in the Kind Words 2 playtest I'm so happy!! I am absolutely in love with it so far. It's such a comforting little title.
Yeah I'm definitely gonna get earplugs when I get home from this vacation, I know my brain is wired differently from most and I need to do what I have to do in order to function properly.
08/07/2024
As happy as I am to be visiting my hometown soon I'm also dreading it, I HATE going to the airport, everything feels so overly complicated, and there's so many people, I hate it I hate it I haaate it.
I am, overloaded. I want earplugs for work, but that'll never happen.
Ate too much sugar in an attempt to feel better, I feel better mentally now but feel worse physically.
08/05/2024
My boyfriend and I have been watching Komi Can't Communicate, I'm really happy he's actually enjoying it! I'm always super paranoid when I introduce anyone to comedy anime because I fear they won't find it funny or at worse will be like "this is cringey" and drop it. I'm very thankful.
I'm gonna tear my diaphragm out if these hiccups don't stop, I think it's acid reflux triggered cuz I had very bad heart burn this morning and my throat feels coated and sore.
Oh god it's gonna be a sensory bad day, everything is itchy and showing today felt like torture, everything feels Bad and Gross and I hate it so fucking much. I hate when my sensory issues just suddenly get worse for a day because the previous on was tiring in a way I had no control over. I usually like my brain's abnormalities, days like these make me hate it.
I ate breakfast I am normal now, I made biscuits and sausage gravy. :)
My boyfriend and I made some orange cream soda floats!!! They're so so so good. Simply just orange cream soda (the brand we used only exists in the state we live in), vanilla ice cream, and whip cream. So good, and also thank god because my blood sugar was starting to drop because of the coffee I had.
Had wayyy too much sugar and now my body feels like it's shutting down on me, at least it's night time so I don't have to do any physically taxing.
08/04/2024
I had a great day yesterday so naturally I feel like complete shit today, if I wasn't going into work earlier than usual today I'd probably still be in bed. I just don't wanna do anything at all, let's hope this coffee just literally anything.
I wished I didn't work today, I wish I could have 3 days off a week and afford it, god i need to bug my managers about promoting me.
I feel a little better now thanks to 2 coffees! Who needs therapy when you can chug caffeine /J
I also went to the grocery to grab stuff I forgot to grab and then proceeded to forget to grab more coffee grounds, I am trapped in an endless cycle of forgetting one singular thing from the grocery store.
08/03/2024
I came super close to buying an Azumaril plush today, I love Azumaril and he is just so shaped but Pokemon plushes cost so much money. Maybe I should ask for one for Christmas.
But I did go on an ice cream date with my boyfriend today! I got a special sundae with coffee ice cream, hot fudge, a hot brownie, and of course whip cream with a cherry on top. It was AMAZING but I am also extremely sugar hyper now because of it lol.
08/02/2024
GRAAAAH I HAVE THE STRONG URGE TO BUY NEW FIDGET/STIM TOYS I MUST RESIST I'M SAVIUNG UP FOR MORE STICKS OF RAM FOR MY COMPUTER I MUST RESIIIIIIIST!!!
But there's so many cool ones online thooooough, I wanna get a more textured one, I love love textures.
08/01/2024
I made a half-elf warlock DnD character that I am DESPERATE to use in a campeign now, I was trying to brainstorm some sort of concept of a warlock that their patron contract was formed against their will and my boyfriend pitched the idea that their parents signed the patronship under their infants name and took all of the benefits while their child was stuck with whatever patron they made the deal with.
I NEED TO PLAY THIS KID NOW, HIS NAME IS AROBEN AND HE IS A VERY NOT OK TEENAGE BOY.
07/30/2024
Oh it's gonna be one of those days, where every little task feels like a drag and every body movement feels like I'm forcing a corpse around. I can't wait. I'm honestly impressed I managed to do any basic self care at all. Let's hope this coffee gives me enough dopamine to at least kinda function.
Had my first tachysensia episode in a hot minute, seriously they always hit me when I least expect it and they always leave a lingering dissociated feeling for me.
I keep hearing weird ass noises outside it's driving me crazy, I think someone is working on the roof of our apartment building but I really can't tell. I hate hate hate when I can't identify a noise, it makes me paranoid.
07/29/2024
I got not one, but two nightmares last night, both storm and tornado themed. I hate it so much
Got to catch up with my Mom a bit, not much I wanna go into into keep my family life private but it's quite crazy.
07/28/2024
Woke up from a nightmare where I was phyhsically in gmod, I can't remember much but I woke up in a panic. Maybe I've been watching too much Gmod horror content.
I hate when I get nightmares because it just leaves me with a sense of dread and paranoia for the rest of the day or til I can distract myself long enough from it. I hate it. It doesn't help that my legs hurt so much I can barely even walk today. Since when did my body get so sore so easily? It didn't used to be this way.
I wanna try drawing something today since I'm probably gonna be stuck in my chair most of today but my focus is so erratic today, aaaaa why do I have to be so restless when I'm too sore to use any of that energy in the first place??
07/27/2024
Been going down an ARG rabbit hole lately, Gmod and the source engine is just perfect for uncomfortable type of horror. Been going down the Interloper ARG rabbit hole currently, it's super good. I love me the horror of being a sentient AI.
TW BODY HORROR AND BODY TORTURE
Series like this always make me think about how terrifying and physically painful anythin ga normal source engine ragdoll goes through, like really think about it, how painful going through walls would be, your limbs glitching, it's fucking uncomfortable. God just thinking about it made my ribcage pain flair up lol.
Finally watching maedotmkv's mario party stream and you guys KNOW I'm gonna write about this, it's sooo uncomfortable(positive) and I NEED to show more people it like the gmod stream.
You know the shit's good when it triggers the "walking in circles repettitively in deep thought" response.
07/26/2024
Woke up with an intense feeling of dread, fantastic start to the day.
07/24/2024
A Doordasher at work after I gave her her food went "here, have some candy" and proceeded to give me some of the best orange candy I think I've ever had, that lady genuinly carried the entire day and kept it from being complete ass.
07/23/2024
Clocked into my first shift of the week and my body immediately started hurting, fantastic sign. Really bad first day back too.
07/22/2024
Good sign, I managed to get out of bed and actually take care of my basic needs this morning. Good sign that I'm getting back on my feet, just need to remember that I work tomorrow since I took a co-worker's shift cuz for some reason I just, wasn't scheduled for Tuesday.
I dressed up cute and got some coffee this morning! I had a lot of Dunkin' during vacation since it was everywhere where we were and I'm totally sold, their blueberry donut coffee is so so good.
07/21/2024
Hey hi I'm finally back from my vacation! I'm a day later than expected in order to make a safer drive home. It was super super fun!
I had a really good time hanging out with my boyfriend's friends. We also celebrated my boyfriend's birthday while we were there, we went bowling and rollerscating!
I got the amazing chance of being able to meet up with 2 long time online friends for a dinner, it was great. I really really needed this break, my mental health was completely plummeting, I feel a lot better now
My boyfriend has been wanting to get into more anime so we started watching Dungeon Meshi together! We're only in one episode but he's liking it so far. I know for a fact that Senshi is gonna be his favorite.
Only negative I can really think of is that I had one of the worst TMJ flare ups I've had in a really long time, I was really struggling to sleep last night because of it, it doesn't help that my mind just wouldn't shut the fuck up, it was way too loud. I'm good now but I do worry that it might become a problem again. Just thinking about it makes my head hurt.
07/11/2024
I feel this lingering sense of dread, like something is gonna go terribly wrong any moment, regardless if it's in my control or not.
07/10/2024
Hey, sorry for disappearing for a little bit, the threat of storms took over my mind, I couldn't function properly because I kept thinking about it, and now that the big storm that barely ended up hitting our area anyways finally passed I just feel, like shit. Like I wasted the past several days panicking over nothing. Times like this make me wish I was normal.
07/06/2024
Making some last minute vacation plans, my boyfriend has been planning on doing a roadtrip to meet up with some friends and though I originally rejected coming along a spot eventually opened up and honestly, I need the vacation. So I'm gonna be completely inactive from the 13th to the 20th.
07/05/2024
Took a short walk in the rain to walk my roommate's dog(he's away on vacation so we're dog-sitting) and I think I should honestly do that more, it eased a bit of my storm fear, slow exposer therapy when it's not fuckin downpouring. I need to stop associating storms with a 100% tornado risk. Especially since there's gonna be a lot of rain and storms this month.
I've been so incredibly stressed lately so I got myself a little present, at the mall I live by a very cute store opened up there anthe prices are actually not that bad. I got myself a sushi kitty plush.
I named him Tuna :) I also got some Hello Panda chocolate snacks, easily my favorite snack ever.
07/04/2024
Yet another storm, one with actual chance of tornados. I'm gonna be leaving for work early to avoid driving in it, desperately trying to stay calm and not freak out, I'm honestly getting tempted to stay as my boyfriend's parent's place for a little bit since they have a basement and thus I'll feel infinitely safer there, even if it'll make the drive to work a lot longer.
But hopefully after today it'll start dying down for a little bit. Though I might still stay there while my boyfriend is out of state since he's kinda my sanity keeper during this storm season.
I hate that my paranoid ass keeps mistaking my own high pulse for something shaking, I got that for the fact I grew up somewhere where earthquakes were a threat, not a common one but they were sure a threat. I expereinced an earthquake for roughly a minute and that was enough to make me paranoid as fuck for several weeks. So you could imagine what would happen if a tornado to really strike.
The storm is gonna be a little later than expected but I'm still gonna head there early for the sake of my psyche, but I will take advantage of it by sitting in my car to avoid my manager begging me to clock in early, assuming it's busy, but let's be honest it won't be, or at least I hope not cuz we're definitely gonna be understaffed.
Storm ended up not being as big of a deal than I was fearing it would be but now I keep getting startled by the sound of fireworks, I have the brain of a cat I can't deal with Loud Noises.
My boyfriend got us pizza and soda, all is well.
07/03/2024
I've been trying so so hard to cut out bloat from the Totono essay and only focus on the scenes that I feel like matter but like, most of the scenes matter to what I wanna talk about, but I don't wanna just end up describing the entire visual novel. Graaaaaah, why must it be so hard...
Had a panic attack over the weather again, it's fine now but god I hate that I've developed this phobia purely because I now live somewhere with a higher tornado risk, there's not even any chance for tornados at all today.
I think my Mom verbalized it well when she said "it's worse than anything you've experienced so you instinctively assume the worse will happen." I hope the longer I'm here the more my fears ease through natural exporsure.
I have multiple safety plans but that still doesn't quell the fear, I don't wanna lose what I have right now. I don't want anything to steal it away.
07/01/2024
I should really remake my DnD page, but idk where I'd put it, I just really really wanna log my adventures as my strange and offputting dragonborn Estinor.
My character has specifically formed a strange friendship with our party's barbarian orc after completely destroying one battle via her turning into a horse, him riding her(!!AS A HORSE!!) and constantly rolling comically high, the DM was upset.
Now he has become her emotional support orc for her traumatized ass while also vaguely treating her like a horse, it's weird (positive) and I love it.
06/30/2024
I wanna make comics about my personal experiences with mental illness and neurodivergency, I've always felt like the best way to help others udnerstand is from personal stories rather than medical charts. No matter how much people boast about facts and logic, emotions and compassion for others always wins.
I can't help but find the societal hunger to feel superior to others saddening, so many people seem so terrified at the idea of being looked down upon, they have to look down on others before others look down on them. Our society has a rampent trauma problem and we're only jsut starting to see the cracks, and it's making people defensive, even aggresive. People are terrified of being seen as 'weak', people claim what society thinks of you doesn't matter but it's clear they care so so much.
The world is filled with anxious words.
06/29/2024
I feel bad whenever an extroverted neurotypical/allistic person tries to make small talk with me because I just, can't, I can tell they're only talking because they're 'supposed to' and not to actually talk to me. I can somewhat fake being a neurologically normal person but I can't fake small talk, I've tried so much, I can't, I hate holding fake performative conversations I'm sorry.
I'm sad that I've been struggling to be active on here but I've been trying to focus on rest today because yesterday left me so overstimulated and pushing on the brink of sensory overload that I just, need to not do anything today.
06/27/2024
It's been rough, work stress + mental health problems + lilapsophobia being triggered by the current chaotic weather. I'm really trying to relax the best I can. My body hurts so much though, I retain a lot of my stress in my leg and back muscles, they're extremely sore now.
06/24/2024
I got myself to dress cute today!! I've been either too tired to or too busy working in order to do so. This is my kinda self care, looking cute.
Added some new songs onto my mp3 player, I really wanna use it more, it makes me feel a lot more comfortable in public. I put some tracks from Subahibi, Milk Outside, and a couple from Happy Saint Sheol. I really really like listening to visual novel music while out and about. Call me Milk-chan with how I cope with reality by pretending to be a visual novel character.
06/23/2024
It's Sonic's birthday!!! Happy birthday Sonic!! Thanks for making way more of an impact on my life you probably should've!!
06/22/2024
Free from the shackles of work!! AND I get to see Ghost's movie RITE HERE RITE NOW today!!!! I'm very excited, it's the first time I'm going to a theatre alone too.
I'm back!!! It was super good!!!! No spoilers but the ending really caught me off guard, super good.
I am very tired now though, I've never been to a theatre alone before and any new big social thing for me always leaves me exhausted by the end of it, regardless how much I actually interacted with people. Sucks because I wanna read morer visual novels but I do not have the mental energy to process complicated information.
06/20/2024
Fluctuated between feeling super good to super irritated to super anxious within the span of an hour, it's gonna be a long day.
Last night was already hell, I'd rather have a better one.
06/18/2024
Watched the Nintendo Direct in bed today, very very excited for the next Mario and Luigi game, other than getting hit with the cold reminder of time after I find out the last original title in the series was 9 years ago. They beautifully translated the game's charming art style into 3D.
Had a fun(sarcasm) back to back interaction when I got back to my apartment complex at work.
So I went ahead and parked and this shirtless buff dude raised his arms angerly, I presume because I was blasting music since he seemed to chilld out after I turned it down. But then immediately right after another car with multiple people in it tried to park in the spot I was in and almost rammed into the back of my car.
So now I can't shake this paranoia that one of them is gonna go "THAT BITCH STOLE MY PARKING SPOT" and destroy my car, so I went ahead and asked my boyfriend to give my car a look down when he gets home.
06/17/2024
Cleaning out my very cheap and kinda shitty coffee maker because I have become dependant on caffeine to function again, I'm constantly either tired or understimulated when I'm not at work. This is the exact reason why I'll never touch any other substance, if my ass is this dependant on word's least deadly addictive chemical then idk what would happen if I took anything else.
I hate so much when people talk about how "everyone should be themselves" and how much they "hate fake people" but the MOMENT someone acts abnormally they mock them, they don't actually want people to be themselves, they just want people to act exactly how THEY want them to act.
I've been accused of being fake the moment I start behaving like my real self around people and I haaate it, and those people proceed to wonder why everyone around them is so fake in the first place, it's almost like they're the problem.
We only had a mini-DnD session today to finish off unfinished stuff from the last session, but it still went super well. My character having some extremely important character moments. I'm very excited for next session because of it.
06/15/2024
I've always struggled with taking care of myself, but also I've noticed I have a lot easier of a time when I'm not working. I think I feel a lot more motivated to do so if I feel like I'm doing it for my own sake rather to avoid judgement and discomfort from others.
I used to be exclusively motivated by the fear of judgement but now I'm actively repelled by the idea of behaving in a way that avoids judgement.
"Take care of yourself! Don't you worry about people seeing how yellow your teeth are?" How yellow my teeth are is none of their business.
Had someone order a pick-up order at my work yesterday and I did an admittedly shitty job bagging her food so her bag kinda looked like ass, but I guess it was so bad she was 100% convinced someone got into her food because there was greese on the top of the bag and on the napkins, I tried to explain it was because I both bagged the food and made the sandwich and that's why it was all greesey but she wasn't buying so I had to remake her sandwich cuz idk.
I really tried to follow her train of logic but I just couldn't, all of her stuff was there, did she think someone drugged it? Tbf I shouldn't be judging I probably would be being paranoid of the same thing, I'd just be too socially anxious to ask about it.
06/13/2024
TW MENTIONS OF A REAL LIFE ATTEMPTED MURDER
Woke up to learning that a band I listen to, TUYU, has disbanded because the lead guitarist and main composer Pusu attempted to fucking murder his girlfriend, genuinely what the fuck. I guess I know what I'm removing from my music playlists now, what the fuck.06/12/2024
Managed to make it through the day despite running off of 4 hours of sleep and crashing hard after drinking 3 coffees. I don't know how I did it but here I am.
At my work we've gotten this very odd regular as of late. He's this guy who comes in pretty late and all he does is order coffee, then proceed to complain about the coffee not being fresh, and forcing us to brew an entirely new pot for him or else he wouldn't shut the fuck up.
Literally the first time he started coming here the coffee WAS FRESH!! I have no clue what this guy wants, we're not even primarily a coffee place, nor does he come in when other coffee places are closed.
So strange.
06/11/2024
First thing in the morning an I'm already in physical pain, stabbing pain in my stomach and back, yaaay. Good sign.
06/10/2024
I need to take a break from denpa VNs,
I'm not in the mental state to be reading this right now, it's just making my psyche worse, 不快です. I wanna get Clannad once I get the basics of Japanese down though, I'll probably read it for practice.
Also sorry if the tiny spurts of Japanese come off as weird or weeby, I'm just trying to practice any way I can.
Another DnD session today! The party has been split up so there's less people which I like since it's less overwhelming. Super excited to see where this campeign goes.
06/09/2024
Been considering taking a staycation, my days off feel so short, plus I can tell I really really need the time to rest, I guess I'm just afraid of missing any hour I could be making money. I need to get out of this headspace, if I work myself too hard I won't be able to live long enough to see the life I want anyways. Plus this job really isn't worth the stress. Not any job is worth the stress really.
You know it's a good sign when I'm taking ibuprofen before work because of stress induced body pain. Grahh I'm too young to feel like this.
Started duolingo up again to start learning Japanese. I tried back in 2022 but I gave up pretty quickly. Mostly wanna do it to read stuff I can't read normally, plus it'll just be a good skill to have anyways.
Maybe I'll try writing mini blog-posts in Japanese to practice. They'll probably be super simplistic but I don't really have anyone to go back and forth with.
I think I wanna make my ita bag visual novel themed, but I'll probably have to order a lot of custom button pins, gotta love being a fan of obscure content.
06/07/2024
I really really don't wanna go to work today aaaa... There's new stuff I have to be trained on and I know it means I'm gonna be staying late, at least it's one more step towards geting promoted.
06/05/2024
My new fidget necklace is here!!
Very very nice and soothing, plus it passes as a somewhat normal necklace, if anyone asks I'll probably just tell them it's for mindfulness, which I gueeess isn't entirely a lie.
06/03/2024
Went on a nice ice cream date with my boyfriend to the place we had our very first date at :)
06/01/2024
Happy Pride Month from your local straight ally! Which is admittedly shocking for most. But I've experimented with enough labels to come to this conclusion.
But this isn't about me, this is about all of you! Be your authentic true self! Fuck what society thinks, you are beautiful and you are meant to be this way, meant to be your true self.
Finally got myself to clean our room up while still throwing stuff away here and there when I spot it, so I'm rewarding myself so my dopamine receptors know this is a good thing. I'm getting a fidget necklace that passes a lot more like a kinda normal necklace than my zipper necklace.
I wanted something that I could at least pass off as a mindfulness tool (which on some level it kinda is?) and I'd rather be mocked for being a weird meditating hippie than any co-worker knowing my neurodivergence.
Anyways if you wanna see it then just look up mobii fidget necklace.
Did you know?
The left brain right brain notion is a complete misconception. Along with the notion that we use only 10% of our brains, if anything a very large amount of our brains goes off at even the smallest of tasks.
Also sprite source is here